OK, you would need not one but three sheets of paper and don’t forget to ask for a fountain pen. It is highly unlikely that anyone would carry a fountain pen these days, which works great for you to account for ‘inaccuracies’ in the final analysis. Follow these steps carefully.

On the first sheet, ask the person to draw 9 circles in whichever manner they want. Keep it aside.

On the second sheet, ask the subject to write a sentence like ‘Make hay while the sun shines’ or whichever phrase or quote which sounds convincing enough to lead the person to think that it will help you in the analysis of ‘letter spacing’ and ‘writing intensity’. Avoid quotes which might arouse suspicion like “The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.”

On the third sheet ask the subject to write two sentences about the person dearest to him/her and his present salary or savings in Rupees with a signature.

Now comes the analysis. Stare at the first sheet closely as if you are doing a complex calculation involving the radius and circumference of the circles. Scratch your eyebrows in between. If the 9 circles looks orderly enough declare emphatically that the subject is organized and likes to plan things out. If they are all over the place, you can use anything from “confused, lost, misdirected and eager-to-please” to “a willingness to innovate and create” depending on whether your subject is your girlfriend, colleague or someone you are eager to pin down.

Time for the second sheet. Rub your forehead and fold your hands over your nose in the ‘I am really tense and trying to concentrate’ posture. Mumble something about the ‘I’ being too long, an aberration in the ‘y’ and ‘added intensity in the swish of the ‘g’. When the subject is confused well enough, declare that he/she is ‘emotionally detached from the rest of the world though she/he thinks otherwise’. Touch the lettering on the both sides of the paper and look far into the distance. Mumble something about the paper being too thin(or thick) and about the fountain pen and move to the third sheet.

This is where you pin down the subject. Ask for a ruler and then say “never mind” and drop your head very close to the sheet. Make some circles around random letters and marking out all the ‘I’s . In between bring in a hint of a wicked smile on your lips as if you managed to dig out a hidden personal secret. You can make your inference anything from “Look, I’m not saying you are liar, but you do lie a lot but for reasons that does not benefit you” or “I see some suicidal tendencies..” or “you feel a sense of isolation”. Believe me, all of them works 9 out of 10 times. And if they don’t and they scoff at your judgment, blame their reluctance to face the truth or the fountain pen – whichever leaves you with a bit more credibility.

And lastly, the most important – there are over a thousand visitors in Mutiny.in each day. Make sure your subject isn’t one.